My Postpartum Reality
I feel thankful today. Here’s why:
1) I have two beautiful, healthy children.
2) I have a supportive and loving partner.
3) Even though I live in a foreign country, I have the greatest community and support network a new mama could ask for.
HOWEVER- I gave birth to my second-born almost 6 weeks ago, and I’m feeling the need to share some postpartum realness with the world. It’s important to me that I don’t just share the highlight reel of my life, but that I acknowledge all aspects of motherhood.
That being said…
I feel discontent today. Here’s why:
1) My Body: I feel the worst about my body postpartum than at any other stage in my life.
I loved being pregnant. Sure, I had a bigger belly than I do now, but there was life growing in there! And when you are pregnant, people compliment you all the time! (FYI: it’s the easiest ice breaker if you meet a pregnant person you’d like to be friends with… just say “You are GLOWING!” or a simple shout-out “Beautiful mama!!” JK but not really… that would have totally made my day).
Over the next several months, you will likely see a lot more pictures of my children on social media than of myself… partially because they are cute and because my son does sweet and goofy things… and partially because I’m not excited about sharing my image with the world right now. The picture I posted here was taken by my own lovely mama and is one of the few recent ones that I like.
My postpartum body is basically me at 5 months pregnant, but without the beautiful life growing inside. OH and I’m breastfeeding, which I love don’t get me wrong, but nursing friendly clothing selections can be super limited…and not the most flattering. So now I’m at odds with my body and covering it up with clothes that I don’t like, and everything just sucks ok? You know it’s okay to say that sometimes, right? Say it with me: “EVERYTHING SUCKS RIGHT NOW.” Phew. I feel like just saying that took some of the suck away.
Rationally, I know that with lots of time, and some healthy lifestyle choices, I’ll be more in sync with my body and start feeling more like myself again. But I’m complaining because: A) I’m impatient, B) Let’s be honest here: It won’t ever feel quiiiiite the same again, and also C) Japan’s dessert game is strong and I AM HERE FOR IT.
2) My Social Life: Social life??????? (how many question marks for effect are too many?)
If you want to know where I am, it’s probably at home. I know that I can get a sitter for my babes, but my daughter is so so tiny and I just don’t think I’m emotionally ready for that yet. Also, even if I did get a sitter for her, I’m on a time crunch whenever I’m away from her because I’ll either have to nurse her or pump after a few hours.
I know I can get a sitter for my son and babywear my daughter around to events, but that gets tiring too…and sweaty. I’ll do it sometimes, don’t get me wrong! But it is work that takes effort and sometimes I just don’t feel like it.
Even though I’m choosing to stay in a lot because it’s exhausting to go out, that doesn’t mean I wish I could be in two places at once. I want to be building up and maintaining my relationships with friends at social events, but I also want to be at home where it’s easier to care for my children and know they are safe and content.
3) My Time: There will never be enough time, ever again.
Last night, I was up until 1 in the morning tidying/organizing my home. Some of you might say, well that’s unnecessary, go to bed woman! But having a tidy home (for the most part) is important for my own mental health. And it wasn’t getting done during the day, so there I was, sorting papers and folding clothes in the wee hours.
There is always something pulling on us. Even as I right this blog post now, I could be sleeping since both of my children are sleeping. Sleep, household chores, errands, relaxation, socialization….all things that pulled at me before, feel a lot more difficult to balance when I have to keep two little people alive and thriving throughout the day as well. Life seemed less challenging and more straightforward a month and a half ago.
Just because overall, I feel happy and satisfied with my life, doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments when I feel discouraged, frumpy, lonely, TIRED, you name it. We all do, and I think it’s important to share those moments with other moms.
I love my newborn snuggles (She is the sweetest baby!). I love seeing my toddler give her kisses and hugs and bring her his toys. I am thankful for my body and what it has given me. I am happy. I am grateful. Just not about everything, all the time.
Love,
Abbie
